Song 153: "Master of the House" - Les Miserables

My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours

Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone

Enter, M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows

Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot

I used a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"Comforter, philosopher" - and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house

Master of the house
(Master and a half)
Comforter, philosopher
(Don't make me laugh)
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
(Hypocrite and toady and inebriate)
Everybody bless the landlord
(Everybody bless his spouse)
Everybody raise a glass
(Raise it up the master's arse)
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house